Deep Thinking In The Abyss

An essay

As I lay down in the darkness in the bed, thinking about life and cutting short this ride called Life, I thought about the past and the future.

As the ceiling fan rotated, creating a uniform sound that could put me to sleep if I decided to pay attention, I thought about my past encounters with death and my life’s shortcomings.

I ask myself if this is where I envisioned myself to be.

In reality, life has been great. There have been ups and downs, highs and lows, peaks and valleys and whatever metaphor you want to use to describe the ebbs and flows of a human existence.

I thought about my early encounters with death as a child. Wanting to prematurely cut short the journey which is currently going on a 30 year lifecycle. I thought of the reasons why it would have made sense to end things abruptly.

In many ways, I wasn’t wrong to want things to end.

I had been dealt a bad hand and had not yet acquired the knowledge to understand my predicament I was in. I had to endure the internal torment on my own.

I remembered the foggy days. The days when the sun couldn’t shine through as I sat in my bubble, unable to understand what was happening to me. I remembered the days when I wanted to bury myself beneath the earth where no one would find me. Looking for an off switch so I could sleep and no longer go through the torture of my existence.

But yet I endured. I reluctantly embraced the pain. I reluctantly accepted the torment. I had no knowledge what was on the other side. Even though I wanted to feel death’s embrace, I decided to keep the life cycle active to see what would come next. Hoping for better things to come. Hoping that I was wrong about a dark future.

Throughout the year, I’ve listened to tales of my fellow humans. I’ve heard their stories of physical and emotional pain. They’ve told me tales of not knowing love when they were children. How they were put on self destructive paths with no guidance.

They opened up to me. And I listened. But I was unable to relate at times because my own past had blocked off my ability to feel. It was self preservation. And it has helped me endure.

Through the years, I’ve listened more, trying to understand and empathise. Trying to unlock whatever code I was put on earth to decipher. The souls I crossed paths with opened up to me, telling me secrets I’ve kept hidden like buried treasure. They saw that I harboured no judgement on what they had endured, the actions they had taken and the lifestyles they had lived.

I’ve seen this life through different lenses. I’ve seen the complexity of human emotions and actions. I’ve endured the heartbreak, the unrequited love, the emotional bonding, the break ups, the misunderstandings, the death of loved ones. I’ve seen my own blood spilled as I cried out for death and only silence greeted me.

I’ve stared into the abyss so many times, wanting to pass through. Each time, I’ve held back for unknown reasons. Always holding out for something. Holding out for a sign.

But it has still not come.

Right now, I’m numb to the world. This again feels like self preservation. But it hurts.

I’m still on the train of life. This endless rollercoaster which I do not know the end. But I fear the safety latch has been loosened. I can see over the edge now, into the abyss. Into the darkness.

I can hear the whispers calling out to me.