Love Is For The Birds
Maybe “Modern Love” isn’t for me
A wise man once said:
“Love is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage.”
The wise man who said this? Rick Sanchez from the cartoon show Rick and Morty. (Ok, I’m kidding but there is some logic to it)
Basically, when you’re “in love”, this is what goes through your brain:
The “love” feeling is nothing more than the hormone called “Oxytocin” ravaging through your brain. It makes you feel things like empathy, trust, sexual activity, and relationship-building.
Often times, I come off as “negative” when it comes to the topic of love and relationships.
No one hurt me. I’m not spiteful. I didn’t have any terrible breakups or bad relationships and my parents have been happily married for 30+ years.
So why does it seem like I’m negative when it comes to the topic of love and relationships? For me, I tend to look at things more from a logical viewpoint.
But how does “love” and “logic” match up? Well…they don’t. Maybe that’s why the concept of “love” is hard for me to grasp.
I’m not here to take a dump on love. Nor am I here to tell you love is lame and you’re basically chasing fairytales or that looking for the love of your life is a fruitless exercise. I just feel that the modern approach to love might be wrong.
So What Are You Looking For?
So here are my cards on the table:
I’m in my early 30s. I’m not married. I’m currently single. I have been with a total of 4 people in my lifetime. I haven’t been on a date or in a relationship for the past 5 years.
I classify myself as an introvert. That basically means I like one on one conversations and I don’t like crowds nor do I like parties. I can be reserved at times but eventually, I open up when I get comfortable.
Also, I don’t make the first move until I’m convinced it’s worthwhile (that’s something I think I need to work on by the way)
So that’s me in kind of a nutshell.
Anyway, enough about me. Now, let me tell you why you’re looking for love all wrong in this modern world.
You’re Living In A Fantasy World
Astrology, Soulmates, Love of my life (Loml), #RelationshipGoals….
These are words and phrases that make me cringe every time I hear them. We’re at a point in time where we are overwhelmed with advice from other couples, bombarded with dating apps, drowning in rom-com movies and sitcoms, and frequently glancing and tracking other people’s relationships on social media.
Social media has made things a bit worse because everyone is chasing that “perfect” significant other.
All these #RelationshipGoals and people admonishing their significant other are all cute but what about the times when not all things are rosy? What about the times when it’s rocky? Nobody ever talks about the arguments, the breakups or the heartbreaks when things go sour.
Love is work. It’s about adapting to someone who may have similar interests and values and deciding whether you want to commit to them for the long term.
It’s not sunny all the time. Sometimes you have to go through rainstorms and harsh weather together. But no one wants to talk about that. That’s not the “vibe” these days. Most people just want to live in the moment and not deal with the negative.
That’s why most people see some mundane things as “red flags” when maybe it’s just a little bump in the road. They bail at the smallest sign of conflict.
If you don’t think you’re ready for minor conflicts when you’re together with someone, maybe you’re not ready to commit. Maybe you’re not strong enough at the moment to deal with conflicts and disagreements. And that’s perfectly OK.
Let’s Talk About Sex! (Actually, Let’s Not)
Honestly, I’m so far removed from the current dating game. But from what I’ve observed (and heard), it seems “hooking up” is very normal around here.
I have no problem with that at all. I say to each his/her own. But “situationships” always come with a disclaimer but people hardly pay attention. Because when you start to have emotions and the other person cuts you off because you’re getting too close? That’s when it hurts the most.
I’m not a casual hook up guy. (I know right? Shocking!)
Some of my female friends look at me weird when I tell them I’m not a fan of casual sex. They look at me like they’re seeing a dinosaur in real life. Maybe because as a guy, it’s pretty normal to hook up with people and have sexual escapades as you grow older.
I (unfortunately) looked up labels to describe people who don’t have strong affirmations for casual hooking or sex and this popped up:
Disclaimer: I don’t identify as Demisual but I do think there are some characteristics with fit me.
So..what is a Demisexual?
Definition — A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone
Hmm…seems about right.
You’re Messed Up But We Can Work It Out
I’ve been listening to a new podcast called “Where Do We Start”. It features a psychiatrist providing one time sessions for couples with relationship problems and it’s currently my guilty pleasure. I feel like a fly on the wheel as I hear couples talking about the problems including infidelity, sexual frustration, and lots more.
One thing that keeps reoccurring in most of these sessions is the past time of some of the couples. People have had problems in their childhood or youth which are manifesting in their current relationships.
I had/have my own problems. In my last relationship, I went through a long depressive episode which affected everything around me. It messed up the relationship because my girlfriend at the time didn’t understand what I was going through.
I don’t blame her. It’s hard to handle a situation that you know now nothing about. It’s like being trained as a veterinarian and then one day, they bring in a person with a bullet wound to their chest. How the hell are you supposed to manage that??! You deal with animals, not humans with bullet wounds
(Does this analogy make sense? I sure hope so)
Remember when Emma Watson said she’s not single but rather that she’s “self Partnered”? Yeah. That was an interesting conversation.
(And I would date Emma Watson anytime so she could “self partner” with me 😊)
(Ok. Bad joke. Moving on….)
There’s nothing wrong with being single. Does it get lonely? Yes it does. But you can learn so much about yourself in the interim.
All the people around me including my therapist tell me there’s probably someone out there for me. Someone who can relate to me and can help me be myself and eventually open up. Maybe they’re right. Or maybe I may never find someone. And I can grow to accept that.
I can’t say I’m looking for love. I don’t believe in love at first sight. I believe it’s more like “lust” at first sight. But can that first encounter eventually turn into something else? Yes, It can.
I don’t think you can should look for “love”. I think you should “grow” it. Spending time with someone you trust and have deep connections with can turn into a loving relationship. But if you feel like they immediately check all your boxes and that you’ve found your soulmate, I’m afraid to tell you that, as the kids say, “it will end in tears”.
People are too much in a hurry to find the “love of their life”. Once you get past that honeymoon phase of your relationship, shit gets real.
And that’s just the relationship. Wait till marriage comes along*
*(I’ve been around a lot of married people. Marriage is hard work x2 and that’s before you decide to have kids)
Modern relationships seem to be done all wrong these days. You’re looking for a soul mate and trying to get that instant love when you should be looking for a partner with a similar value system with who you want to “grow” love with.
As I grow older, I’m getting comfortable with the fact that I might end up alone. That’s not the goal but it just what it is.
Maybe I need a change of environment. Maybe I need to work on myself and fix some internal issues. Maybe I actually need to go on more dates.
Till then, I’m just living life and being “self partnered”.
Maybe one day, I’ll start a new post and announce that I found the love of my life and that I’m getting married.
Till then, I think that love is for the birds.