Self-Diagnosis

It’s all in the mind

In high school, I diagnosed myself with schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder.

I was always an “odd” kid and I never felt “normal” growing up. My mannerisms just weren’t like the other kids and I never felt like a fit in.

During a free period at high school, I decided to go to the library. It was actually my first trip to the library. I hadn’t bothered to completely explore my new school during school hours.

When I entered the library, it was surprisingly packed. The door had a bad creak, so it alerted everyone to its new entrant. With all eyes on me as I entered, I internally panicked and tried to act like I had been there before and I knew what I was doing.

I randomly grabbed a book and found at empty seat near the window.

It was a psychology book. I randomly flipped the pages, trying to find something interesting to read.

And I did find something.

I came across psychological disorders. And so began my digging into the rabbit hole of psychology.

I had been going to the library more routinely, becoming more comfortable and learning more about the mind, ego and how the brain works.

But what really intrigued me was the disorders of the brain. Having read enough, I decided I had my own disorder: schizophrenia.

I had read all the “symptoms”, including, shyness, depression and ultimately decided that this was something that I had.

But after reading more about it, I thought it was a bit much. So I read on and stumbled upon something else that made more sense: Bi-polar disorder.

Yes! That was it. I had found the solution to my problem. I was definitely bi-polar. I routinely talked to myself and I had developed something of a split personality.

So then the puzzle was solved.

But thankfully, I kept on reading and came across something else which negated both diagnosis: Medical Student Syndrome.

Here’s the definition: A phenomenon where medical students perceive themselves to be experiencing the symptoms of the diseases they are studying. This condition often stems from the fear of contracting the diseases in question.

Basically, it’s like this: If you have cold and you google the symptoms and Google tells you it might pneumonia, you’re going to think you have pneumonia.

In finality, I was not schizophrenic. Nor was I bi-polar. Yes, I had all the symptoms, but I wasn’t it did not mean I had any of those disorders.

It was a couple of years later, when I was in a psychologist's office on my school campus at university, where I was officially diagnosed with something: Clinical Depression.

Well, I guess something was wrong with me after all…

Fast forward, 10+ years later and I have self-diagnosed myself. Only this time, I actually took a test. It’s a test which is a solid guide on how my brain works. I’ve taken it on average of three times and the scores are averagely the same.

Even though I know what the score means and it’s strongly evident that I have this “diagnosis”, I will have to see an official person who is versed in this field to administer a test before I can confirm that it’s accurate.

No worries, it’s not something that’s bad. But an officially diagnosis will confirm that I’m not necessarily “normal”. It will confirm why I am the way I am.

There’s a fear that when I officially get tested, they will rule out the diagnosis. That makes me anxious because it would mean that someting self might be wrong with me or maybe I just need to fixate more on the clinical depression.

The mind is a wonder sometimes.

Let’s see what happens.