Sometimes, I Think Of You. Sometimes I Think About Dying.

Excerpt from a new book I’m working on. The working title is “More Conversations With Girls”

Hi.

It’s been a while. How have you been?

It seems like we haven’t talked in a while. We used to talk a lot more before but now you seem distant. Last time you told me you weren’t feeling great. That you were mentally absent for some reason. I was sad to hear that. But I understand.

I think of you sometimes.

I wonder if you’re doing OK. I wonder if things have started falling in place for you. Or if things are just the same as before.

Sometimes I wish I could do more to help. You tell it’s fine and you appreciate me reaching out. But for some reason, I feel like you’re just saying that.

Sometimes I want to text you but I feel like I’ll be intruding. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bother whenever I check up on you.

It’s worse when I call your phone and you don’t pick up. You don’t even respond with a text to let me know you’re alright.

But I understand. I never take it personal. I just want to hear your voice. To make sure you’re doing OK.

I’ve been struggling with some personal stuff. But it’s the just the unusual. I don’t want to bother you with it since you have your own problems.

There’s a lot to unpack but I won’t do that here.

A friend told me you’ve been going out more. I hope you’ve been having fun. You always say you’re at home, doing nothing. So I hope the social stuff disrupts the monotony.

You once told me that you don’t have friends to talk to. I still find that hard to believe. Because you call others your “best friends”. Maybe it’s semantics. Just part of the socialising experience.

I cut off all the social media stuff. I just got tired of the repetition. So now I don’t know what you’re up to, unfortunately.

But otherwise I hope you’re doing good.

I know you’ve been in a bad place. We’ve both been there.

But I don’t think I have the strength and we were supposed to watch out for each other. But now I feel like I’ve been left hanging.

Everything is a little darker than it’s been. And I’m struggling a bit.

But yeah, like I said, it’s not something I can unpack.

You still haven’t called me back. Or texted me.

All I want to know before I go…. is that you’re OK.

Take care.