The Former Rebel And Anarchist

In 2012, I came back home to my country. In my head, it looked like a new start filled with opportunities to do something.

But it only took a couple of months before I realized why I never really felt like I belonged in the first place. It’s a long story but I felt that way ever since I was a kid.

I rediscovered an old blog post where I had vented out my feelings. It made me reminisce of the early years being back home when my passion was at it’s highest. I was vocal about everything that was going wrong. Here’s a couple of paragraphs from the post:

“When I came back (home), I thought maybe things would be different. I was wrong. I think it has to do with expectations. Maybe I set the bar high.”

I had come back with the expectation that things had changed. At first glance, lots of new things had been built. New hotels, new roads, new banks….

But underneath it all, nothing much had changed. Tradition and attitudes had remained the same. It was all just painted with a new colour.

“this is the fricking issue: We are not going to progress anywhere as a (country) if we keep thinking the same old way. There’s a large fucking gap between what you see at the top to what’s actually on the ground”

And that still rings true. You can give me all the macro and micro economic stats and figures all you want but the reality is, there’s a large gap in inequality. And it doesn’t appear to be getting better.

“We need more women in power. Seriously, men in this country have too much ego and are power driven. Seriously, we need to more women to balance this country”

I’m less hopeful about this. Most of the people in power are men and they’re ego-driven and less empathetic about moving things forward. Not saying having more women in authority automatically solves all our woes, but more balance could bring out more positive benefits.

“I’m surrounded by inefficiency and inequality….”

Self explanatory.

You can read the whole thing here: https://mraveragejoe.tumblr.com/post/51506670498/ventilation

Regressing To The Mean

When I was younger, I was so enthusiastic and passionate (I’m still passionate but not as energetic). I had ideas I want to explore and do so many things when I came back. But it just didn’t materialise.

All the people who closely know me are aware that my home country has been detrimental to my mental health. In order to cope, I’ve had to reel in my “rebellious” side and “settle” for what’s here.

I’ve had to settle with all the inefficiencies.

Settle with all the inequality.

Settle with the rampant sexism.

Settle with the corruption.

You can fight battles for so long before you realize you’re exhausted and at the edge of your own mind.

All you can do is carve your own lane and try to progress in your own life. Everything around you just becomes “noise”. It doesn’t mean you ultimately stop caring about the issues around. But I rather start working on “solutions” than add a voice to already established choir of criticism.

I’m getting older. I’m less energetic. My mental state is more fragile than ever.

It’s weird to say I’ve lost hope. It’s more like I’m less optimistic for change.

Even someone can prove me wrong, I would appreciate that.

But for now, I don’t see the light at the end.

I miss the fiery and passionate old persona. Maybe something will change.

But that’s a lot of maybes.