This Is My Life At 33
There’s a lot of things that I think about whenever my birthday comes around. It’s a time for reflection. Thinking about how far I’ve come, what I’ve achieved so far and what I want to do in the future.
I find it therapeutic and helps me slow things down and put everything in perspective.
One memory that stuck during my reflections was when I had a bad “episode” in the my second year of University. Mentally, I was at rock bottom and had to force myself to see a counsellor out of fear that things would get worse.
Two months of therapy later, I was diagnosed with clinical depression and was prescribed anti-depressants. Ironically, knowing that I had a mental issue helped put things in perspective for me and sort of changed my path.
The older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve realized that the only thing I want in this life is “Serenity” — Peace of Mind.
“33” is a kind of a big age (for me, at least). In some ways, I still feel like a “teenager” who hasn’t yet developed. But on the outside, people look at me as an “elder” and show me that due respect. Honestly, it makes me a bit feel out of place. I think I feel that way because of the fact that I never had the time to do “teenage” things. My teenage years were spent mostly in my head, secretly battling depression and trying me my best to not fall in a dark hole that I feared I would never crawl out of.
And now, 20+ years later, here I am, still feeling like I need to experience those teen years but as a more elderly person.
Does that make sense? Does it matter? I feel like I’m riffing at this point….
But that’s not where my head is at right now. Right now, it’s more about reflecting on the past year and what’s in the future.
The year 2020 was……well, we all know. It was a tough year for most. I didn’t spiral into a dark place like many others mostly because I feel like I’ve been there all my life.
The year 2020 reminded me of the movie “Melancholia” and I was Kirsten Dunst’s character. When it felt like the world was falling to pieces and about to end, I was the most calmest that I’ve ever been.
But it wasn’t all great towards the end of the year.
I had several relapses into depression to the point that I thought about getting back on anti-depressant medication. I had bad anxiety attacks that I’ve had to deal with quietly. And later this year, a close friend I know almost died and that put death in a broader perspective for me.
Wins. Losses. Struggles.
We all went through it. But there were definitely highlights.
I had been experimenting with the idea of creating my own personal podcast and that is just what I did during the early days of the pandemic. I created “Open Conversations”, a podcast where I had one on one conversations with people about different topics.
Then I did two more podcasts with my friends called “PodTakes” (A Pop Culture Podcast) and “2 Guys 1 Controller” (A Video game podcast).
In November, I published the 1000th article on Tech Nova which is kind of a cool milestone after running the tech news website for close to 3 years.
Lastly, I left my job at Flutterwave to pursue other things. It wasn’t an easy decision especially after working there three years but internally, I felt like I wanted to focus on something else and I felt like it was the right time to leave.
I’ve been evaluating a lot of things. Trying to solidify what I want to actually do going forward and just trying to “figure” everything else out.
I’ll be honest. I’m still not in a good state. I sometimes wake up and feel like I shouldn’t have woken up at all. I still think about purpose in life. I sometimes don’t “feel” like I’m valued by people around me. But I know they do. But the negative voice in my head keeps getting louder and I feel like I can’t find the volume control to turn it down.
I’m always wondering what’s the next thing. My mind is always on overdrive and I constantly look for ways to slow down.
I still get depressive episodes every now and then and it takes a lot of energy to fight it off. My anxiety also keeps getting worse. That’s another battle I have to keep fighting. And honestly, I don’t know when I’ll stop fighting. It’s one of those things where you just have to live with and hope it doesn’t get worse in the end.
But I still have life. And I still have ideas and things I want to do. And I definitely still want to travel the world.
I just need to work on my bank account……
We’re now officially in 2021. And what’s up for this year?
I don’t know.
I hope to save up and travel this year. I’m still in thE UX design field but want do a bit more of management. I’m also working on my UX startup, Userhub Africa, this year. Definitely do more podcasting this year.
My bachelor status still hasn’t changed (5 years and counting 🥳). Lol. But I’m getting OK with that fact. I still do casual dates and hang outs but it’s not really a pressing matter for me.
If it happens, it happens. If not, hey, the world hasn’t ended. It would be nice to have someone to share successes and life achievements with. But now, we’re not there yet.
All in all, with the stuff I have to deal with mentally, I’m grateful for my family, friends, and the little things in life which make me content.
So let me re-introduce myself in this new age:
My name is Joseph. I’m 33. I’m Ghanaian from the Upper West Region. Currently single. I design. I write. I podcast. I’m introverted and reserved. I’m a nerd and sarcasm is my secret weapon.
Till next year. Stay safe. Be empathetic and look out for each other.
And take care of yourself too. You deserve it.
