Validation

When I was a young kid in school, I had always hoped that my name would be called at the Speech And Prize Giving day event. The event was where prizes would be given to the best students in all teaching subjects at the end of the school. All the school staff, as well as parents, were all in attendance.

Watching students go up to the stage when their name was called and hearing all the applause from the audience made me want to experience that. To experience the pride and joy of being the best at something.

But my name was never called.

I never got a prize in English even though I thought I was a really good writer.

I never got a prize in Computers even though I had thought myself how to work a computer at a young age.

In the end, no prizes. No acknowledgment.

I’ve always felt like I’ve chasing something. Like I’m looking for the next best to achieve or rather the next best thing to “conquer”.

In pursuit of these things, I’ve always wanted to be “validated” for working hard for doing the next best thing.

Now that I’m older, I’ve been looking back and wondering: Where’s my validation? Where’s the applause for all the hard work I put in to get to my current stage?

Seriously…

Didn’t I pour everything in the work I did as a young security consultant and in the end, still felt like I hadn’t achieved anything?

Didn’t I spend nights making sure that this tech blog hit the ground running?

Didn’t I take my time reading research, stories to try to inform my audience about all the tech stuff happening around them?

Didn’t I risk not finishing up my Masters research paper and not graduating with my degree because I wanted to make sure the startup I was working on could work out?

Didn’t I spend my own money driving to different events, doing live social coverage and writing stories on what’s happening?

And what I have got to show for it?

A cramped writing hand which feels like carpal tunnel, a bad back, the overwhelming feeling of stress….

Of course, that’s not really how I feel. That ‘s not all how I feel even though what I have been doing has led to some current predicaments.

It would be easier to feel like all the hard work I’ve put in would all be “validated” with some sort of “Prize” or “Trophy”.

But…it’s not really that.

It’s actually a different feeling.

I’m actually yearning for feedback. Not validation.

Sometimes you can be on your path but without someone telling you that you might be off, you’re not really sure what you’re doing.

A big reason why I never quit writing and actually wanted to be better was because of strong feedback.

One strong feedback came from my high school teacher who had read my US Constitution essay and told me that “it was one of the best essays I’ve ever read”.

The second one came from my English I teacher in college, who read a poem I had written and encouraged me to take part in a Slam Poetry event the following week.

I’ve always felt like the “writer in the dark”. Constantly writing but never getting feedback on my work.

I’ve written short stories and gotten back published on Amazon. I finished a memoir when I was 26. I’ve written poetry as well and gotten all of them electronically published.

I’m still researching and writing on my tech blog, hoping it helps people know about the tech scene in Ghana

But even with all that, I still feel like I’m putting stuff in a black hole. I thought I needed a prize for validation. But really, I just need feedback.

Sometimes I kind of envy people who have friends who comment on their friend’s achievement on social media. It has to be a good feeling, knowing that people acknowledge something you’ve done.

I don’t feel like I have cheerleaders. There have been those times where someone does tell me, “you’re doing a good job” and honestly, it’s made me secretly shed tears.

When I die, people will probably acknowledge the things I did or what I wanted to achieve in the end.

I’m still going to create. I’m still going to write. I’m still going to design.

I don’t have the cheerleaders. I don’t have the prizes. I don’t have the “validation”.

But I do need the feedback. That’s all I actually care about now.